Friday, March 27, 2009

Who are YOU, and What Have You Done With My Date?

This morning I woke up a bit earlier than usual, and before my usual date with The Best Defense and In Session on CourtTV (or TruTV, whatever stupid name they've given it now), there was an infomercial on.  Now, I'm not usually one for watching informercials.  I think they're generally an insult to our intelligence.  But this one was different.  It was an insult to our intelligence with built in LOLs.

The infomercial was for Kymaro from  Yeah, I know...sounds like a character on World of Warcraft that is working for a Chinese gold farming business selling game currency.  If you're not a PC gamer and that comment makes no sense, I'm sorry, but trust's true.

Anyway, so I proceed to stare at the screen, coffee in hand, as we're "treated" to multiple before and after shots of some rather fluffy women (I don't like the word fat).  So yeah, the full body girdle they're trying to sell...actually appears to work.  But as I'm sitting there thinking it might be nice to have one of these full-body-condom-suit-flab-filter-thingiemajiggers, this scene runs through my mind:


Interior Random Urban Nightclub, 1 am
Neon light drenched, strobe lit, active bar scene. 

VOICE OVER (Handsome Guy at Bar speaking):

"Suddenly I saw her.  She seemed perfect in every way...gently flowing long blonde hair, sun-caressed silky smooth skin, slinky black dress, cherry red lips, and mossy green sparkling eyes that begged attention.  I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame.  I had to speak to her, to explore the possibilities..."

POV Handsome Guy at Bar: moves toward Attractive Woman.

CLOSE UP Attractive Woman's eyes as her eyes meet his.

Handsome Guy at Bar:

"Hey, Baby, whatch doin' tonight after you leave this joint?  Wanna come over to my place for a drink, maybe watch a movie, get to know each other, just chill?"

Seemingly Slim Woman at Bar:
(Ignore the apparent lack of common sense in this reply...hey, I mean, it's just what randomly ran through my head, but I'd have probably smacked him, myself, and she...should have...even though this was just my mind's interpretation of the consequences of buying the body-condom-suit-flab-filter-thingiemajigger.)

"Well sure, Baby, that sounds like fun!"


(30 minutes later)

EXTERIOR NIGHT Guy's car pulling into his townhouse drive.

*cut to Guy's living room*

Slim Woman:

"I know why you invited me over, so let's just cut to the chase and get it on, Baby."

Handsome Guy:

"Oh, I knew...I knew you were just what the doctor ordered."

Slim Woman:  (Amused and delighted by this amorous new acquaintance...giggles)

"Well just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up a bit."

Handsome Guy:

"No problem, Sweet Thing.  It's right there. (motions in direction of bathroom)
I'll be waiting, but don't be long."

POV Handsome Guy:  Watches as she gracefully walks to the bathroom and turns once inside, offering him a last little peek at her flirtatious eyes as she peeks around the door while closing it.

Handsome Guy begins to pour himself another drink.

Meanwhile in the bathroom, Slim Woman struggles to get out of full-body-condom-suit-flab-filter-thingiemajigger, in order to surprise him in all her generous glory.

(45 minutes later)

Handsome Guy has fallen asleep from drinking too much whiskey and is snoring on the couch.

Slim Woman quietly walks over to him, naked, and gently nudges him...

He wakes and begins screaming at the top of his lungs. 

Handsome Guy:

"OMG OMG OMG...who  ARE you and what have you done with my date?!  I'm calling the police!"

And the morale of this story is:

Lies, even if they seem like a good idea at the time...always catch up with you.

Think I'll pass on ordering the full-body-condom-suit-flab-filter-thingiemajigger, at least for now.

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